Wisdom from a Rabbi

So many people have felt the urge to share a “redemption” story with a difficult parent, that last-minute deathbed reconciliation. I know they find peace and comfort in that experience, and want to offer me hope as well.

While I want to keep my mind and heart open to the possibility, I have enough experience to know that my mother is unlikely to offer it up. Indeed, the very hope for such a thing is actually a form of attachment that doesn't serve me. That's why the passages from Steve Leder's book made me take in my breath and feel tears of relief slip down my face.

"Most people die exactly the way they live. This is sometimes terrible and sometimes beautiful, but it is almost always true."

"Here is perhaps the toughest and yet most liberating truth about the fact that people die the way they live. If you have had a hopelessly toxic relationship with someone--even somone as close as a parent or a sibling--a relationship fraught with feelings of guilt, remorse, anger, and disappointment--you do not need to try to repair it before that person dies. You simply need to accept it. . . the truth is that you will not have more regret when a person who has hurt you for years... dies. You will be relieved. I know that sounds harsh, but it is the truth. A tortuous relationship in life is less painful when death finally comes, and that relief is nothing to feel guilty about."

Rabbi Steve Leder, pp 58-59, The Beauty of What Remains.